Essay Correction, IELTS Writing, Task 2, Uncategorized

Analysis of a Task 2 Academic IELTS Essay – 2

Analysis of a Task 2 Essay – 2

This article continues the analysis of the below essay on fast food and health problems. Read the second half of the essay and then decide what changes would you make to the underlined parts, and what you would add for the …. parts. 

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

 

Paragraph 3

On the other hand, imposing heavy tax is not the only way to solve this problem; other effective methods could be considered. First of all, governments should restrict the sale of junk food or even …….. the short of lunch especially at schools. Health education may be the more sensible strategy. As far as I am concerned from my experience, when I worked in the UK in a nursery… children’s lunch was fast food most of …. times and I never saw vegetables as a main course or fish. In my opinion, children need to learn about the consequences and the danger of fast food. They need to be educated from early ages how to eat and have a healthy diet. In addition, parents should also receive some of this information.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it is clear that governments need to pay more attention to reduce the amount of people suffering from illness caused by fast food. However, it is up to each individual to choose the food they want to eat, they need to be more conscious ……………and care more about their meals and their lifestyle in order to have a healthier life.

If you are serious about taking your IELTS writing to the next level, sign up for your FREE 3 part IELTS writing video course that takes you through both task 1 and task 2. The video lessons are led by our highly experienced UK native IELTS teacher, Katherine. We also provide you with exercises to test your understanding!

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Analysis

Paragraph 3
  1. On the other hand, imposing heavy tax is not the only way to solve this problem;

Suggested alternative: On the other hand, increased taxation is not the only way to solve this problem; …

Explanation – indefinite article omitted + avoidance of repetition of ‘heavy tax’.
 
  1. First of all, governments should restrict the sale of junk food or even …….. the short of lunch especially at schools.

Suggested alternative: First of all, governments should restrict the sale of junk food or even exercise some control over what people eat, especially in schools.

Explanation – The writer’s meaning is unclear due to the vocabulary error with ‘short’.
 
  1. As far as I am concerned from my experience, when I worked in the UK in a nursery… children’s lunch was fast food most of ….times and I never saw vegetables as a main course or fish.

Suggested alternative: From my experience, when I worked in the UK in a nursery, the children’s lunch was fast food most of the time, and I never saw vegetables or fish as a main course.

Explanation – ‘As far as I’m concerned’ is used to introduce opinions; ‘most of ..’ requires the definite article after it; the position of ‘fish’ needs to be changed to make clear that it is another type of main course.
 
  1. In my opinion, children need to learn about the consequences and the danger of fast food.

Suggested alternative: In my opinion, children need to learn about the risks of fast food.

Explanation –the single word ‘risks’ is a more concise and appropriate description of what the writer intends.
 
  1. They need to be educated from early ages how to eat and have a healthy diet.

Suggested alternative: They need to be educated from an early age how to eat and have a healthy diet

Explanation – Straightforward vocabulary error.

Conclusion
1.It is clear that governments need to pay more attention to reduce the amount of people suffering from illness caused by fast food.

Suggested alternative: In conclusion, it is clear that governments need to pay more attention to reducing the number of people suffering from fast food-related illnesses.

Explanation – ‘pay attention to doing something’; ‘amount ‘ is used with uncountables.
 
  1. …. they need to be more conscious ……………and care more about their meals and their lifestyle in order to have a healthier life.

Suggested alternative: ‘ …they need to be more conscious of the risks of fast food and care more about their meals and their lifestyle in order to have a healthier life.

Explanation – ‘be conscious of something’.

 

Full amended version

Nowadays, people are always in a hurry and rarely spend time cooking by themselves. As a result, fast food has become an important part of their life. However, the number of people suffering from diabetes, high cholesterol, or other conditions, as a consequence of overeating fast food are increasing day by day. Some people think that it is necessary for governments to increase taxes on fast food. Personally, I agree with this idea because of the following reasons.

On the one hand, a high tax on junk food might well discourage consumers from eating so much of it. This might even encourage some people to change their eating habits, for example spending more time cooking at home to save money. By way of illustration, / To illustrate that this/ such a policy can be effective, Denmark was one of the first countries to raise the tax on fast food such as butter, potato chips and many processed foods. The result of this measure was (that it led to) a reduction in fast food consumption in Denmark.

On the other hand, increased taxation is not the only way to solve this problem; other effective methods could be considered. First of all, governments should restrict the sale of junk food or even exercise some control over what people eat, especially in schools. Health education may be a more sensible strategy. From my experience, when I worked in the UK in a nursery, the children’s lunch was fast food most of the time, and I never saw vegetables or fish as a main course. In my opinion, children need to learn about the risks of fast food. They need to be educated from an early age how to eat and have a healthy diet. In addition, parents should also receive some of this information.

In conclusion, it is clear that governments need to pay more attention to reducing the number of people suffering from fast food-related illnesses. However, ultimately it is up to each individual to take responsibility for the food they want to eat; they need to be more conscious of the risks of fast food/ aware and care more about their meals and their lifestyle in order to have a healthier life.

If you are serious about taking your IELTS writing to the next level, sign up for your FREE 3 part IELTS writing video course that takes you through both task 1 and task 2. The video lessons are led by our highly experienced UK native IELTS teacher, Katherine. We also provide you with exercises to test your understanding!

Sign up your FREE IELTS writing video course by clicking here.