Essay Correction, IELTS Writing, Task 2

Swoosh English IELTS Student Essay: Task 2-4

Hello IELTS students,

The requests continue to come from students for more of our IELTS writing essays from our current students! We appreciate the support and we will continue to support you in this area.

This student essay below includes the corrections, teacher feedback, suggestions for improvement and the band score estimation. You can learn from the mistakes of other students to improve your own IELTS writing.

Here is one of our IELTS students’ task 2 essays. We recommend you to read the question and answer, together with our native UK IELTS teacher’s corrections and feedback.

 

Some people believe that it is better to go straight to university after secondary school. Others prefer to take a few years off to work before continuing their education.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of each of these strategies?

Give support for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. 250 words.

 

In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

 

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

 

– Nowadays, for many people who are too busy of working, fast food has becomes an important part of their livesfe. However, more and more people are grievingsuffering from sicknesses as a consequence of overeating fast food. Some people think that it is essential for governments to enforce a higher taxes on this kind of food. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this idea.

 

Some people may be concerned that by dint of this policy, many small companies or stores, which mainly sell fast food, have to face thewith a threat of bankruptcy because of higher productioning costs. Ironically, only when the government applies this policy, could we reduce the quantity of fast food. For instance, thanks to higher taxes on this type of food, many companies will turn their strategy to manufacture other kinds of food, which are healthier. Moreover, the consumer will have fewa lesser choices of fast food and it leads to the deteriorationreduction of fast food in their meals.

 

On the other hand, it is undeniable that the high taxes will increasempules the price of fast food. As a result, the consumer will have to suffer this higher price. Nevertheless, only until they have to pay for fast food at a high price, do they stop-to buying it. Therefore, they will prefer to prepare food themselves instead of eating fast food. For example, every morning, my mother always preparesdesign a box, which contains full of rice, meat, and vegetables,… for my father’s meal at work. On the other hand, by virtue of the higher tax on fast food, the government will have a greater fund to allocate to the health care treatments for victims of fast food.

 

In conclusion, although taxation policy is always a good approach, the governments need to integrate it with other methods such as education, and communication,… to achieve the best result. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this idea.

 

Laurentiu, you make some good arguments, but you do not organise them in a logical way that allows the reader to follow your main point. I have copied and pasted your opinion sentence into the conclusion (where it belongs) and it seems to contradict the other things you have said in your conclusion. Furthermore, in the body of your essay you do not mention education and communication as methods that governments can employ to make people healthier. Your conclusion should not include anything that you haven’t mentioned in your body. If you focused on fewer arguments and presented them more clearly, you could have a 7. As it is, ~6

 


We have an exercise for you based on this essay question. Post your answers below and we will provide you with feedback.

Q: Choose one sentence in this essay and see if you can write a better sentence than this. Remember to use uncommon vocabulary, good grammar and punctuation. Good luck!

If this essay and feedback helped you, feel free to repay the love we have shown you by SHARING with other students and also by COMMENTING on it below