Essay Correction, IELTS Writing, Task 2

Swoosh English IELTS Student Essay: Task 2 – 3

Hello IELTS students,

We are thrilled to be able to respond to so many of the requests we had from you all struggling with IELTS writing. The request we received many times was:

Q. Can you post some REAL student essays and include the corrections, teacher feedback, suggestions for improvement and the band score estimation? I want to be able to learn from the mistakes of other students to improve my own writing and look at what the UK IELTS teacher suggested.

A. No problem, here is what you all asked for below:)

If this article helped you, please feel free to repay the love we have shown you by SHARING with other students and also by COMMENTING on it below.

Here is one of our IELTS students’ task 2 essays. We recommend you to read the question and answer, together with our native UK IELTS teacher’s corrections and feedback. Feel free to comment and share with other students.

 

Some people believe that it is better to go straight to university after secondary school. Others prefer to take a few years off to work before continuing their education.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of each of these strategies?

Give support for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. 250 words. 

 

Fast food is one of the most loved and consumed types of meals in the world. It is a known fact that this kind of food, consumed excessively, can affect our health. In order to prevent this fromto happening, or to reduce this phenomenonm, governments might  impose a higher taxes on this kind of food.

 

This proposedIn my opinion a higher tax will affect local restaurants and small entrepreneurs, forcing them to pay extrasome money they do_no’-t have. For some of them this might be their only finacial source of income and the only way they could pay their bills and provide resources for themselves and their families. A higher tax might force small businesses to close down or even worse, they will goet into banckruptcy. OnAt a large scale, this gouvernment initiative  will affect the whole country’s economy. People might get healthier but there is a big chance forrisk that the poverty willto increase.

 

On the other hand, imposing a higher tax on fast food might encouragje people to reduce their consumptione of this tasty but unhealthy product.  People would rather choose to prepare a meal by themselves, made of fresh products in a safe, clean and healthy environment. This might be a good chance for obesity and overweighting to dropother health concerns to decrease considerably because of people would not be consumingthe huge amounts of fat consumed whenfrom eating fast food.

 

Overall, higher taxes on fast food might be a great way tosolution encouragefor people to eat and feel healthier because, inat the end, you are what you eat!

 

Nice job, Livia. I would suggest making a small mention of the possible negative consequences of a fast food tax in your conclusion, since you included a paragraph about it in your body. However, this is overall a well written and well argued essay. ~7

 

Q: Choose one sentence in this essay and see if you can write a better sentence than this. Remember to use uncommon vocabulary, good grammar and punctuation. Good luck!